I only breakdown when it’s dark

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I’m a tough cookie, ask anyone that knows me. I am very optimistic and tenacious. I get shit done, I’m a problem solver and I move fast to find answers. I have continued to work my job through this whole process because if I stop working, I start to think, and I go down dark paths. 

Work has been a welcomed distraction. During the day I stay busy. I’m either working (from home) or I find projects to keep me busy. I didn’t tell many people what I was going through at the beginning which I’m grateful for because that means I had less people texting or calling me to ask how things are going or if I had any updates. I know they meant well and were showing me love and support. Relaying the same info “I don’t know. I don’t have a plan. This is what I found on Google…” reminded me I have no control. I have cancer, I have no idea what is happening and I have no plan. Now repeat those non-answers to 6 people per day. It doesn’t put you in a good mindset.

At night, after work is over, if I’m watching TV my mind is distracted. I don’t think about not having a plan or what is happening inside my body. It’s when it gets dark that my mind starts racing. Laying in bed, my mind starts… “What if? What’s next? I have no control. The cancer is growing and there is nothing I can do. What are my options? I have no control. Once I know my choices, what should I choose? Why did God create ductal glands and specifically create a cancer that grows in them? I have no control. Did I pass this on to my boys? Was breastfeeding a bad idea? I have no control. Did I eat too much sugar? Should I start eating other things?….” And on and on until I eventually cry myself back to sleep.

I made it through 2 nights of this agony where I would take a sleeping pill and wake up at 2am wide awake and start googling for hours in an attempt to get answers to calm my mind. After 2 nights of this, I called my primary doctor and got a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. I took one before bed the next night and slept the whole night. I don’t take a lot of medication, but this was literally a lifesaver.  



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