Big Fat Stupid Ugly Breast Cancer

I started my 5 days of  radiation treatments. The hospital has special “Cancer Patient” parking spots, it was surreal when I realized that I AM A CANCER PATIENT. I parked in the spot and walked inside. I was given a walkthrough of the treatment center when we initially met with the Radiology team so I knew where to go, but checked in at the front desk anyway because it was awkward to walk through the double doors like I owned the place. I went back to the waiting area and stepped into the changing room.  In the changing room I changed into the hospital gown on top, looked in the mirror and had a moment. “I can’t believe I’m here. I’m about to be zapped with radiation. What if this doesn’t work? What if I have to do all this shit all over again?” I texted my sister who was in the waiting room that I was freaking out. Magically that helped and I regained myself enough to walk out to the area and wait to be called back. The treatment was fast and painless, I now need to repeat it 4 more t

The hardest thing about this journey has been not being in control of anything. I couldn’t control getting answers when I wanted, I couldn’t control the diagnosis or the outcome. The only thing I could control was getting appointments faster, driving to different hospitals if possible and getting on waitlists for surgeries. Once all surgeries were complete and the genetics test results were back, we were just waiting on the specialist appointments. My Oncologist Nurse Navigator was amazing and schedule me with Radiology and Oncology the same day as my surgery follow up so I only had to drive in once. The surgeon said the incision was healing great. We had about an hour to go get lunch then game back to Radiology Oncology where we finally got a plan. Five days of radiation and a few follow ups appointments. Going forward we are alternating a mammogram and MRI every 6 months. This was a relief to me. One of the biggest things in the back of my mind was waiting 12 months to make sure noth

 My surgeon called me today….let me emphasize HE called me. Not his PA, not the front desk…HE called me. That meant the world to me. He wanted to make sure I saw that the lymph node pathology came back NEGATIVE in all lymph nodes removed! And the genetics test came back negative in all 48 tests including BRCA1&2. Next steps: - Surgery follow up - Radiology consult - Oncology consult I’m hoping to get more info and figure out my options. I want to get advice from these experts but also be realistic. Will this weigh on my mind for the rest of my life? What if it comes back? What if it comes back and I don’t catch it before it spreads? Can we prevent a lot of these “what if” if we literally remove the source? What is the plan for short and long term? Can I still travel later this month?  Trying to keep my mind occupied so I don’t go down dark paths. The negative test results were the first positive thing on this journey so I’m in a good place right now. Just waiting for Thursday.